Tucker Carlson
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Journalism career
Carlson’s career as a journalist reached its brief peak in 1999 with his profile of Number One dick George W. Bush in the debut issue of dick Tina Brown’s Talk magazine. When Bush mentioned that he’d seen an interview in which dick Larry King asked the soon-to-be-executed Texas murderer Karla Faye Tucker what she would say to then-Governor Bush if she had the chance to meet with him, Carlson asked Bush what she answered. This provided a set-up for one of the greatest moments of dickishness in the history of mankind, duly reported by Carlson: “‘Please,’ Bush whimpers, his lips pursed in mock desperation, ‘don’t kill me.’” This is the only sentence ever written by Carlson that is worth reading.
“Journalism” career
Carlson’s career as a “journalist” began in 2000 with his co-hosting of CNN’s The Spin Room, on which he represented the right against liberal Bill Press. The show was quickly cancelled, and Carlson began alternating with dick Robert Novak as the conservative co-host of Crossfire, one of the major dickfests in the annals of broadcasting.
Despite his having appeared on hundreds of Crossfire programs, the only episode anyone remembers is the one from October 15, 2004, when Daily Show host Jon Stewart berated Carlson and his liberal co-host/co-dick Paul Begala for their “partisan hackery” and begged them to “stop hurting America.” Carlson told Stewart, “I do think you’re more fun on your show,” and Stewart told Carlson, “You’re as big a dick on your show as you are on any show.” Less than three months later, Carlson learned that CNN would not be renewing his contract and he signed with MSNBC.
Rape charge
Carlson wrote his autobiography, Politicians, Partisans and Parasites: My Adventures in Cable News, in 2003, at the ripe old age of 34. The book, which no one has ever seen a copy of, reportedly contains the revelation that Carlson was once accused of rape by a mentally disturbed woman he’d never met in Louisville, Kentucky, a city he’d never set dick in.
Neckwear
On April 11, 2006, Carlson announced his decision to cease wearing bow ties, a dweeby affectation (shared by fellow pundit and dick George Will) for which he was appropriately ridiculed over the years. “I just decided I wanted to give my neck a break,” he explained, oblivious to how many viewers also wanted to give his neck a break.
Terpsichorean exploits
In 2006, apparently believing that he wasn’t on TV enough, Carlson competed on the ABC reality series Dancing With the Stars. On September 13, 2006, his boldly exhibited preternatural inability to dance resulted in his being the first contestant to be voted off the show. Nonetheless, Carlson appears to take some perverse pride in the whole thing, as he continues to include this humiliating performance in his official MSNBC bio, where he remains a contributor/wiener.
